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How to use a Writing Agent

PART I

Identify the players

Finding a literary “agent” is a critical part of becoming a writer and published author in the literary industry.

These “agents” of the industry are singularly focused on using the raw talent and creative energy of writers to sustain themselves. The more financially successful a writer proves to be, the longer an “agent” will remain latched onto that writer. Likewise, a writer ought to rest assured that the “agents” will immediately stop clamoring for their attention as soon as the money river runs dry. Thusly, the more successfully that an “agent” can employ a writer’s skills, the more that the “agent” has to gain. In fact, 100% of a writing “agent’s” sustenance is originally derived from the productive output of the writer. The most accurate way to classify such a creature as an “agent” is to call it a parasite.

The important thing to remember here, as the entomologist E.O. Wilson so lovingly phrased it in his book The Meaning of Human Existence, is that parasites are “predators who eat prey in units of less than one.” Knowing this, remember that “agents” are wholly invested in feeding off of your profits to sustain themselves, at your expense, little by little, until you have nothing left to give, and they can move on to another writer (host) with fresher and greater reserves of “talent” from which they may leech.

So, when you venture out into the vast, interesting internet dimension to root out one of these coveted “agents”, think about what you are really looking for, and why the fuck you would ever want to do such a thing.

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