27 Comments

  1. Yes, that’s right. Never forget to exercise the Art of Tardiness, perhaps one of your most useful available attributes.

    1. Always remain loyal to your own personal schedule above all else. If tardiness to someone else’s event results as a consequence of your schedule clashing with another(s), you have made the more powerful and advantageous choice.

    2. When arriving tardy, make sure you check your insecurities at the door. Making an entrance with unadulterated confidence will cement the public perception of your significance and ensure that your reputation will continue to precede you in the future.

    3. Never apologize for being late; always express your sincerest condolences personally to the individual whose oratory you may have interrupted, should such an event have transpired.

    4. Make sure you are always evaluating the efficacy of different grades and manners of tardiness and how they can improve the overall experience of your event attendance.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You have made a strong argument and I am actually reconsidering how I view tardiness…

      Usually, I just tell myself, “Well… it’s been done. Nothing you can do about it now.”

      This approach is far more empowering. ha

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Always be late. Keep people waiting. This shows that you are important and in control. If someone attempts to call you out in public for being tardy, don’t get angry, instead, subtly belittle them. Remember, if they were the most important person in the room they wouldn’t have to wait for anyone. It’s a sign of weakness. Praise people for being on time and waiting for you as if they chose to do it. As if they willingly sat in an empty boardroom for you. Make them feel like a go-getter who’s on their way to strolling into meetings and offices whenever they damn well please.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Also, I am totally kidding and am unsure if that translates here. But I very much so appreciated your writing! It was very funny.

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    1. Make this character a woman and then you’re somewhere interesting. If this person is a man, well, snooze. That’s just me, but I also thinks it’s most women who would actually benefit from this advice.

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  3. PLEASE ONLY READ THIS ONE. Dear writing practitioners, I apologize for the writing errors in my work. I have been dictating all my responses. I now discovered the note area on my phone which enables me to correct as I go.

    The art of being tardy is a skillset not everyone possesses. Some people struggle with this concept and seem to be driven by the clock and by societal norms that say punctuality is everything. Utter hogwash.

    Here are some basics to keep in mind if you want to excel at lateness and perhaps even develop LEGENDARY status, as someone who truly is exceptional at Keeping People Waiting. These foolproof methods will have you rising to power positions in no time flat.

    1. Always cut transit time to any appointment or meeting to the last minute. Think of this as an easy way to have a daily rush and a life full of exhilaration.

    2. Have a competition with the clock. If you know it takes you 15 minutes to get to an appointment And make a late entrance, work on beating your personal best by getting there in 12 minutes. That’s 18 minutes late. Not too shabby for a beginner. Try that for two weeks and then see if you could knock it down to 8 1/2 minutes. This will take work but trust me- over time you gain more finesse in being late.

    3. And for all you creative writers out there-now’s the time to start developing bullshit reasons why you were late. The more reasonably bullshitty the better. Surefire hits in this area include Seattle traffic, Seattle traffic, and now the brand new ( and quite edgy, I might add!), the Seattle squeeze also known as days of hell with the tunnel. Other good ones include a stuck elevator, an exceptionally long line to the restroom that you identified best with, or a pressing call from your deceased mother.

    Above all, never forget that you are the most important one here in any interaction. Your presence matters. Lateness is power. Use that power and embrace it, you punctual people. Punctuality is curable. There is hope.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is fantastic! I kind of want like a list of TEN from this, where it ends sort of in truly dismal advice, where each step leads you almost to insanity. “Punctuality is curable” = genius. I thoroughly enjoyed this one.

      p.s. not that the way your posts were bothered me before, but damn, this is on a whole other level. also, take everyone’s advice here and “just don’t give a sh*t.”

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  4. I’ve never mastered the art of tardiness. I leave late, hang in my car, not wanting to be the first to arrive, with all the attendant awkwardness- small meaningless talk with a harried hostess; sitting alone, while she completes those last minute tasks. Or, only slightly better, arriving first to an empty space, wondering , did I get the date wrong? Or the place? Taking a book helps, something absorbing, or now with the internet, scrolling through Facebook or skimming the news for topics. I’m likely, with all of this to arrive exactly on time, which is, of course, early. So I can’t help you with this, totally useless and inept at tardiness, as I am.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I like the honesty of your comment: attendant awkwardness…small meaningless talk with a harried hostess.

      Exactly!

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    2. I relate. Although, I’m generally late for everything I want to be on time to and early for everything I do not want to be on time to.

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    3. If this is not actually the way that you are, why is it that so many of us feel this way about being tardy in the first place? Thanks for bringing this all back down to Earth for us 🙂

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  5. The Art of Tardiness

    “Well, of course you just procrastinate. You just make up stuff that makes no sense to you, and then, well, you know, you just sort of come off as a crazy person, and yea, it’s never a bad thing to gain a little pity or, you know, what?, the sympathy card, vote, and like that. Right? Sorry, what was your question?”

    (advice)
    TK Camas

    p.s. @craven, i hit a wall today where i nearly rationalized missing today’s post, so, this is what we’re all stuck with now when i gotta pull one outta my @$$.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. TK, thank you for being so supportive to us. It’s really wonderful. And I loved your piece, especially your closing question. Perfect!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. First and foremost, never listen to your gut feeling when you think, “Maybe I should grab that thing before walking out the door…” or, “It might be a good idea to begin that project at a reasonable time…”

    When contemplating the art of tardiness, one must always reflect upon the utter lack of response to intuition by those with who have mastered the skill.

    Consider your mother for instance. You may, at a certain point in your adult life, be inclined to stop comparing yourself to your mother, thinking, “God! She was late to everything and her chronic stress made the act of stepping into the car and buckling my seatbelt feel like a penitentiary of anxiety and frustration with her complete inability to relax. I’ll never be like that.”

    Please, never stop comparing yourself, considering, of course, she is a bonafide professional and who best to learn the art from than the founder of “Let’s invite them over an hour earlier than everyone else so they arrive on time…” herself?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh man, my mom does that exact sort of thing! Do you truly find that it’s an ART to show up exactly at the right amount of tardiness so as to be … cool? … or late without insulting anyone? Do you know anyone who is actually good at this?

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  7. There is indeed an art to tardiness, and the application of said art or lack thereof, will be the determining factor in your reputation. Assuming of course, that you are the purveyor of TARDY. Purveyor henceforth to be referred to as, “TARD”. “What do you mean I can’t use that word?”

    It’s like making fun of cognitively impaired people, Mom.

    You mean like retards? I didn’t call you a retard.

    ttsssth, Oh God Mother, you do not get it.

    What I don’t get is why I am always being accused of horrible things when I haven’t made a mistake. Not even an innocent mistake. My “TARD” has nothing to do with retardation or being retarded and even if I raised you, I can’t help it if that is the way your mind works.

    What do you mean that’s the way my mind works. The minute I mentioned cognitively impaired people you responded with “retard”.

    I was poking you. You irritated me.

    So what was I supposed to think TARD was?

    I was being clever about the whole stupid thing, there aren’t really “purveyors of tardy” either. Did you miss that? Well, clearly I wasn’t that clever, but, you know what? There is an art to tardiness and I am not going to teach you now, even if I have to take those secrets to my grave. You are going to have a bad tardy reputation. Love ya, bug.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I was thinking of a daughter as I wrote it, it isn’t what I thought I was going to write at all but I strayed and was having fun.

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